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Not Your Everyday Rant About Getting Lays

October 6, 2011

The Americans are coming! In bras!

Dear Diary,

Please give me the strength not to order an air strike against the United Kingdom.  Yes, my new home is beautiful, the people are wonderful, the culinary delights have been numerous and the alcohol is plentiful.  Big freakin’ deal.  How important are those things really in the long run?

In the course of my hard-hitting journalistic investigations of Somerset over the course of the last 36 days, I have uncovered some startling facts that have been kept out of the public’s eye for too long.  People need to know what happens here.  People have a right to know.

First of all, British homes are being poisoned with something called Embarrassing Bodies.  It is a ‘show’ for ‘entertainment’ on Channel 4.  I had been in the country for less than 24 hours when I was first subjected to this horror.  The episode on that night dealt with the question of “How Much is Too Much?!” with regard to…  I almost hate to say it, but..pubic hair.  (Oh, I know, Microsoft Word – I want that word to be ‘public’ too.)  This was the night I learned that British television is VERY DIFFERENT from American television.

(Quick note:  Even the webpage for Embarrassing Bodies has an explicit content warning at the top of the page.  Yes, it’s all in a medical context, but still possibly not safe for work.)

Not only did we see a variety of grasslands, jungles and plains that night, but we were also treated to a series of truly mind-blighting videos of how down-there hair can go wrong.  Very, very wrong.  Infections, pustules, STDs and how they affect the shorthairs – all on display on a flat-screen TV the size of a billboard.  I was alone in the house with my mother-in-law-to-be that night, and I was hyper-aware that my reactions to such things might very well reveal the kind of person I am.  (It was a test; I know it was a test.  “Let’s make the American girl watch really gross TV and see how she reacts!”)  I think I was lucky enough to gasp out something like “Ohmygod…gross,” once.  Fail.

Second, and most importantly, is my concern over the lack of quality salty snacks here.  I cannot emphasize enough how serious the dearth is.  Sugary sweets don’t really do anything for me; give me the salty chips any day.  Cheetos, Lays, Doritos, Funyuns, how I miss thee!  To be fair, we can get Doritos here.  In ‘vinegar’ and ‘plain with salt’ flavors.  What the hell?!  EVERYONE KNOWS that the ‘plain’ flavor of Doritos is Nacho Cheese!  And vinegar?  That’s what I use to clean out my coffee pot.  I don’t want Windex-flavored chips either, thank you very much, Your Majesty.  And the bags of what we can get are insultingly small.  The American-sized versions allow for both emergency chip-orgies or the 4-day ration plan.  (I’m a fan of the rationing myself.  I pet the bag over the course of a weekend and sometimes refer to it as My Precioussss.  That’s perfectly normal back in the US.)


All pics courtesy of Fritolay.com, the bastards.

*sighs deeply*

I really want a good, big bag of chips.  If I could just have that, I could live through all the rest of it just fine.  Even Embarrassing Bodies.  Which is good, because the next episode is about the causes of vulval pain and a man who lactates.

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20 Comments leave one →
  1. October 6, 2011 9:10 pm

    I have told you about McCoys! The bags are ridiculously small though, we’re obsessed with our weight over here though (Well supposedly), something America isn’t concerned with, and we have Cheese Dorito’s! They’re the best!

    As far as embarrassing bodies goes, that stuff makes me ill, I can’t watch that, why would I want to watch that? If any of that stuff happens it’s because I’ve not looked after my hygiene which never happens, or I’m with someone that doesn’t look after their hygiene and that rarely ever happens!

    But be safe in the knowledge that I am both trimmed, clean and disease free! … down there. Hahaha I made my self laugh, I must stop drinking Coke so late at night.

    • October 7, 2011 11:35 am

      D’OH! You *did* tell me about some chips I should try, didn’t you? For some reason, I thought you’d said Walkers…that’s what mum-in-law ended up getting from the store and holy cow…HIT. THE. SPOT. I’m a thin girl and don’t usually indulge my sweet/salty/deep-fried temptations, but man – sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, you know? And when you’re really craving something, substitutes won’t cut it.

      I have just now walked over to the white board on which we keep a running grocery list and added Cheese Doritos. Thank you so much for the tip!

      After that first episode I saw of Embarrassing Bodies, I have fled the living room every time it’s on. I’m with you – it’s just gross and isn’t ever likely to inform my own medical status.

      *giggles* And thank you EVER so much for confirming your own ‘health.’ I, too, am a member of Team Clean. (And I cannot *believe* we actually had this conversation; I am giggling like a fool.)

  2. October 7, 2011 9:04 am

    Just to prove to you I wasn’t lying…

    http://www.tesco.com/groceries/Product/Details/?id=268326586

    Not Nacho Cheese granted, but TANGY cheese! And in a big bag!

  3. October 7, 2011 12:21 pm

    Just one more thing to add to the grocery list …….. Twiglets 🙂

    • October 7, 2011 12:42 pm

      Haha yeah Twiglets are the best thing since sliced bread.

      • October 7, 2011 1:26 pm

        I just asked Mum what Twiglets are and it looks as though I’ll be able to hit two birds with one stone here: trying Marmite and Twiglets for the first time. Marmite sounds…a little scary, if I were to be perfectly frank. I can’t tell if I’m more intimidated by the description of the food itself or the fact that my fiancée can’t even talk about it without turning green and gagging a little bit. I’m determined, though. I *will* try Marmite if it’s the last thing I do!

    • October 7, 2011 1:14 pm

      Done! I think the actual grocery trip won’t be for another day or two, but it’s on the list. 🙂 I will report back as soon as I try them! Anything else?

      • October 7, 2011 3:59 pm

        It takes a while to get used to them, it’s like salted popcorn, it’s foul but you can’t help but eat them. Also, while you’re at it, get some faggots bought.

        (Yes, they’re an actual thing.)

      • October 10, 2011 1:48 pm

        Salted, slightly-beef-flavored popcorn. (Come to think of it, that might be really popular back home in Texas.) I hope I’ve made you guys proud – I ate a handful of them. *beams*

        Faggots? I have absolutely no idea what those are. As soon as I get home, I’m putting them on the list. (I’m just assuming that the word means something completely different here than it does in the US. Back home, it’s an insulting term that refers to gay people, typically gay men. If you’re suggesting that faggots are something that I can purchase in a grocery store, then I’m gonna assume it’s something altogether different. Either that or you’re hoping I’ll make a fool of myself by going up to the store manager and asking for a faggot, meaning a gay man. I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt.) Wish me luck!

  4. October 7, 2011 3:23 pm

    I’m looking forward to the report! I understand it’s an aquired taste. I grew up with Marmite, and love it. There I’ve said it in public!
    re the twiglets an American friend thought they were pretzels, and oh boy did she get a shock! In fact she used to reguarly take stuff home to her folks and do a show and tell what english people ate!

    • October 10, 2011 1:43 pm

      LOL! I love it. I bet your American friend was shocked – they don’t taste a BIT like pretzels!

      And I now have the report ready for you. *clears throat* I, Kate, on Sunday, October 9th, at approximately 2:30pm, sampled my very first Twiglet. My mother-in-law likes them and when she heard that I’d been instructed by you guys to give ’em a try, she purchased some. I have to confess that it did take just a little bit of courage to pop it into my mouth, because from the moment the can of Twiglets first made an appearance, both my fiancée and my father-in-law were making horrible gagging noises and turned pale and twitchy. I persevered, however! It…wasn’t horrible. I like the saltiness and crunchiness of it, but it did have a pretty significant bitter aftertaste which was slightly unpleasant. I ended up eating quite a few, mostly to gross out my fiancée and impress my father-in-law.

      *waits for a cookie or gold star*

      • October 18, 2011 1:20 pm

        I missed your report! Very dutiful of you :))
        So you can now gross out your fiance, impress your FIL, that’s what I call a result. I must admit I was expecting a stronger reaction from you, I think you may be the 1st N american I know that didn’t gag on them !

        Gold Star Award !!!

  5. Val permalink
    October 9, 2011 4:52 pm

    This made me laugh out loud (or should I say LOL), I’ve not see ‘Embarrassing bodies’ (well, not the TV show anyway) but it reminds me of the Gillian McKeith program in which she examined people’s poo each week. I mean who needs it?!

    I like Walkers Crisps, had some Morrisons own brand yesterday and the amount of salt in them could have turned a puddle into sea water…

    If you can find them Pringles are good.

    The thing is, Somerset’s a bit ‘out of the way’. Maybe go to a big city and look for something there. Or look online. Plenty of stuff online.

  6. Jen permalink
    October 15, 2011 11:54 am

    Lol I love this… embarrassing bodies is a horrific television show that should only be played after 11pm so it never again catches me while i’m eating my dinner. A close up of piles was the last thing I wanted. With regards to the crisp problem…. go to Tesco and get one of the big bags of kettle chips…. you won’t be sorry!x

    • October 15, 2011 11:58 am

      You’re SO right! In fact, I did have a plate of cheese and crackers in my hand while watching it that time…I couldn’t finish it. I couldn’t even look at it. I would definitely sign a petition to have it only shown after 11pm! (On the other hand, it would be a brilliant thing to show when you have company visiting that you’d rather not have.)

      Kettle chips, eh? Got it on the grocery list – thanks for the recommendation!

      Also, thanks a million for stopping by and reading my stuff. I really do appreciate it, and the fact that you took the time to leave a comment. 🙂

  7. October 18, 2011 9:08 am

    Kate,
    My partner is half Canadian and we visited her mother in Vancouver a couple of years ago. It was the first time I’d been to Canada and I fell in love with a lot of things there, particularly Crunchy Cheetos. The greatest thing even mined from the earth by mankind. UK crisps (or chips) just don’t come close. Every now and again we recieve a food parcel from mother-in-law-to-be containing crunchy cheetos, for which we (mostly “I”) are most grateful. But not often enough.

    So recently, I found a UK website where I can order crunchy Cheetos and get them delivered. They’re not the cheapest thing in the world (in fact it’d probably be cheaper getting a flight to N. America and filling a suitcase lol), but as a treat it’s worth it. Although the bags normally don’t last long enough to be shared amongst friends (I love my friends, but not that much). The website also import and resell many other N. American goods (including Aunt Jemima – can’t be beaten).

    Have a look. I’m only a customer, not related to the site in any manner, but have found them reliable and good to deal with. Here’s the link to cheetos: http://www.americansoda.co.uk/uk/user/search.aspx?q=cheetos

    • October 18, 2011 9:54 am

      Oh my god, CHEETOS. *sobs* I miss them so much! I’m SO glad to have found a partner in the suffering, however. 😉

      My mother-in-law-to-be discovered that website before I got here – and wouldn’t you know it? The wonderful woman had some of my favorite things here waiting for me when we arrived. We’ve just placed our second order (for things like Saltines and Velveeta and sweet & sour mix for margaritas), and we completely FORGOT about the chips! Silly people we are. And wait..right now she’s telling me that she could swear that she saw Cheetos in the Polish section of Asda…. I wouldn’t disagree with her for the world, but that seems…a bit…odd. Will have to check it out and report back.

      Thanks a ton for sharing your experiences and your ‘link to Cheetos survival.’ I really do appreciate it. 🙂

      • October 18, 2011 6:31 pm

        Cheetos in the World Food aisle of Tesco sometimes appear, but not the crunchy variety. Just the puffed up version of the snack – what we would call a “Wotsit”. Not as impressive. Love the blog BTW.

  8. October 20, 2011 3:47 pm

    Haha! I love this, it made me laugh. Embarrassing Bodies is rather strange, but we do seem to have a lot of those shows here!

    You should be able to get lots of flavour Doritos! We have Nacho Cheese, Original, Red Ones (can’t remember the flavour, but they are tasty). Also, I have seen Lays sold here before, it might have even been in Asda. Anyhoo, Walkers taste the same I think!

    If you want some good crisps, go get some Frazzles (smokey bacon flavour) and Monster Munch. (They come in Pickled Onion, Flamin’ Hot and Roast Beef – in that order preferably) My faves! :o)

    I have rambled on a LOT about crisps, but it’s near the end of the day and I’m hungry!

  9. October 20, 2011 4:59 pm

    I nearly just ate my iPhone ,,,, Cheetos hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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